Calm down!

Ok.

I think I was just a little off, maybe due to the fact that I ran out of birth control pills (I think I may have mentioned that) a while back and hadn't made it to go get more, and got just a little emotionally fragile for a minute.

Now I am onto my next project: raising money for the school garden.  I am writing a letter to the president of the local nursery asking them to consider donating the soil, which is the most expensive part.  I have never done such a thing and I'm a little nervous!  I am definitely afraid of rejection in any way, shape or form.  It's a pretty good letter though and it made me use my brain for a second, which is good.  I think that's why this blogging thing is good for me.  Blogs are funny; I wonder how many are out there that never are read by anyone.  Like mine, more of an online journal that other people could read if they were so inclined, but does anyone read most of them?  In the age of fb and Insta, the prospect of sharing our lives is irresistible; we let others know what we're up to at every opportunity.  I'm guilty, don't get me wrong... I will post a picture of the most inane thing that no one would have any reason to care about.  My guinea pigs, really?  But I must, we must.  Because we have this need to let other people know what on earth we're up to at any given moment.  God bless our vulnerable, needy culture who loves to flash but behind closed doors is falling to pieces.

Another ski trip to Utah in a couple of days.  I almost bailed, feeling so overwhelmed and the prospect of another trip was sending me into a tailspin... but decided that not going felt even worse.  It will be my only chance to ski with fh this year and my last to ski with C, plus fh's daughter is coming and we will get to all spend some time together, which is rare.  So I am going to tough it out and then take it easy for a while.  Yeah yeah, taking ski vacations is really having to "tough it out," I know, I know... but for someone who can barely get unpacked before having to pack again, staying home is pretty attractive.  I didn't even mention the two trips to Mexico that took place in the two weeks (yes, two trips in two weeks) before I began the blog.  I'm not kidding-- it's constant.  You'll see.

Making fun progress on bridal shower-- feeling better about it, things are coming together! It will be a fun time, plus my girl that I'm doing it all for is so worth it and I want her to be happy! ...and hosting in our new incredible new home that we love so much is always pretty cool.

I think the funk has just about passed.... whew!!

Back in the saddle

"Normal life."  It's what I crave, what I fear, what I can't even imagine, what I hope I will one day be able to call mine.

After a spectacular weekend in LA with the love of my life and one of my best, best, best friends, having a blast and feeling like a VIP all weekend, it's back to reality (not to mention being 40, which I'm still trying to wrap my head around).

Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown with so much to do and feeling like I can't seem to make a dent in the pile of projects awaiting me.  The dear friend mentioned before is getting married next month and I am hosting her bridal shower.  I know nothing of how to do this kind of stuff.  I have enlisted the help of another dear friend and hopefully we will muddle through and it will be beautiful and special.  Food, decorations... umm, what else is there?  Champagne!  I need to get champagne.  And glasses.  Painting picture frames, painting tree branches, I am no Martha Stewart-- the laundry, how does it pile up so fast?! there is red wine on fh's shirt, he will ask me if I got it out and I will have to tell him I haven't even glanced at it-- there is dry cleaning to be dropped off, my son peed the bed and I can't seem to get rid of the smell, I am five days behind on my birth control pills-- have to make sure fh knows that-- I haven't even unpacked from LA yet and I have yet to pack for our next trip, we leave in three days and there is wedding planning coming at me from all sides and the house, the house, the house is always demanding my attention, there are things to order, pick up, deliveries to sign for, people to meet, people to call, checks to write, emails to return and ohhhh help me the packing and unpacking, the laundry, the school garden, the hummingbird feeders are empty, the broken vacuum-- s***-- I still have to pick up my maid of honor dress, it rained and the guinea pigs' cage needs changed, oh! I am driving for the school field trip today!  Can't forget that!!.... and who has time to take a frickin' shower, let alone get to the gym... and this is excluding the most important job of BEING A GOOD MOMMY... until my head is spinning and I freeze and crash-- yesterday I slept for almost five hours during the day.  Was falling asleep at the wheel around 10:30 am (is that normal?!) so lay down when I got home at 11 and was asleep immediately.  Woke up for an appointment here at the house at 12:30, afterward went immediately back to sleep for three full hours.  What is my body trying to tell me?

The irony is, I don't work outside the home.  When people ask, "What do you do?"  (I have come to loathe that question), I feel like spouting off the myriad of tasks that face me every single day until they wish they'd never asked.  Instead my answer "Oh, I'm a mom, um, I take care of the house, we travel a lot" comes out making me feel like I sound like a lazy, spoiled housewife who lounges around eating bonbons and shopping online.

So... right now this writing is a form of procrastination.  The second I close this window I will have all of those things to face and more.  I need a shower but changing the guinea pigs' cage will leave me filthy so may as well wait until that is done.  Is this a normal life?

Mega multitasking

6:20 am.  I am trying to simultaneously: paint my nails, write out so many checks to subcontractors that my hands are cramping (the ongoing construction), do my "day trading," (I like to say I'm a day trader because FH lets me play the stocks a little.  I've done ok, but Apple's hit has killed my overall percentage.), sync/backup my iPhone (FH wants me to get the 5) and... write for a minute.  Needless to say, none of the tasks has gotten much attention, although I did complete one entire coat of nail polish and I have almost a whole paragraph written here.  However, my coffee has gotten tepid and there is nothing worse than less than piping hot coffee.

FH arrives tomorrow morning.  What this means to me is a day of heart fluttering anticipation tinged with anxiety about things being perfect for his arrival.  He tends to be a bit more... manicured in his lifestyle.  He likes a made bed, things put away neatly, no mess, no clutter... and I do not share this predilection, so I try to anticipate what he may see and disapprove of.  Right now there is a lot.  I have yet to unpack from the ski weekend, there are piles of laundry (clean, at least) to be put away, a huge mess from all the plants I bought & potted yesterday... (I am like a crack addict at the nursery), etc, etc.  Once again, my mother to the rescue.  She recently took over the cleaning ladies' light cleaning day and so will deal with most of it.  I hate making a bed.  Hate it.  I love how it looks once it's done but the doing is loathsome to me.  Laundry is my other nemesis, and when FH and I actually live together, we will have to sit down and have a talk about whether a shirt is really dirty after it's been worn for a few hours.  The man piles up more laundry than anyone I know, including my 6 year old son, who I compare to Pig Pen from Peanuts due to his magnetism for dirt.  Only C's laundry is actually dirty; FH's has just been worn.  Am I weird to wear things more than once before washing them?  Anyway... I have got to get myself an insulated coffee mug.  Went for a fresh cup, already need to nuke it because it's cooled too much!

Ahhh!!  I just remembered that I dreamt I found a flea and was panicking.  In our last house we had a major infestation; the animals, the carpet-- nothing was working.  It took switching medication for the pets (fleas are apparently becoming tolerant of the current ones) and having the house sprayed three times before getting it under control.  If you have ever had your home sprayed for fleas, it is not an easy ordeal.  First off, the house has to be empty of people and animals for four hours.  What do you do with a dog, two cats and two guinea pigs for four hours?!  Then, you have to vacuum every day for the next three days-- and throw away the bag each time.  Seventh level of hell.  So I am immediately giving the animals their meds for this month.  Thank god it was only a dream.

The big excitement yesterday was the installation of my vertical succulent garden!  Two years ago for my birthday, FH got me four vertical garden planter boxes.  We had seen a huge vertical succulent garden at a restaurant and I was drooling over it.  One of the best birthday presents ever-- check out www.floragrubbgardens.com -- but it meant filling the whole thing with tiny succulents.  We're talking about sixteen square feet of plants.  After several trips to farmers market, then finally hooking up with the wholesaler that provides them to the farmers market, then having to go back over and over because what seemed like it was going to be enough never was, then having to replace the ones that didn't make it or didn't look right-- all in all, dozens of hours of placing, planting, trimming, placing, plucking, tending and shaping... two years later, yesterday it was installed in the perfect spot down by the pool.  I almost cried when I saw it up, after it had been such a labor of love for so long.  I can't stop staring at it... here it is!  The highlight of my day... ahhhh.....

Now, I have one more check to write, my nails are dry, I have guzzled my reheated coffee and the phone is synced.  C is up and I am pretty sure he's actually cleaning his room right now!  Oh, what the promise of playing on the phone during the 5 minute drive to school can accomplish! 

My heart is fluttering at the thought of being with FH in 24 hours (well, literally 26.  We actually do count)!  It will be a glorious day!!!  

Pre-Dawn

Ah!  Another perfect time to blog... when I am up at 4:45 am and (if I'm lucky), C will be asleep until 7.  I am tempted to check on my e-Trade account (damn you, Apple!) but writing is the priority.

Skiing this past weekend with C was nothing short of incredible.  He had a two hour private lesson, so I had some time to hit the slopes "adult style," but then when we went up together, he was feeling like a pro!  My heart was in my throat at times watching from behind as he rocketed down the hill, not the elegant side to side schuss of someone with experience but the straight-down-the-hill snowplow, straightening out when he wanted to gain some speed... which was too often for my taste!  I don't know how many times I told him, "As long as you're in control, that's the important thing."  I would hear him whooping in delight from below and it made it all worth it.  "I love skiing!" he told me more than once. Of course, there were the times that he would fall and I would have to get him back up and it sometimes felt like it took an hour and every last drop of patience when his skis would come off, we couldn't get them back on, I'd be trying to help him up and would go sliding away myself because he insisted on being on such steep hills, and he would fling himself into the snow wailing, "This is impossible!"  I was actually proud of my seemingly endless patience that day; I stayed calm, reminded him that it definitely was not impossible,  nothing was, and we just had to keep trying, and every time we came away from it and started down the hill again, it was sheer exhilaration.

Rim of the World Hwy, headed home.

The second day we worked on a little less snowplowing and a little more back and forth; he enjoyed going way over to the sides and up the little inclines then back down.  He looked better and fell less.
After half a day of hitting it hard, we loaded up into the already packed car and drove home in our ski clothes.  The second we walked in the door, we stripped them off and climbed immediately into bed.  The next morning my body felt gloriously sore and fully worked. And I still made it to the gym!!  (Was pretty proud of myself for that!)

FH will be here on Friday morning; already I can feel my body and soul counting down to his presence.  We leave Saturday for LA (by helicopter-- a first!), where I am going to a concert with my best girlfriend, A; we are seeing Tiesto, whose name would mean nothing to someone who didn't know electronic music, but he is a god in that world, one of the greats, and I can't wait to lose myself in some thumping beats with A, who means so much to me and whom I don't see enough-- it will be a blast. She and I will spend the night in downtown LA after, then I will re-join FH in Santa Monica where he has a surprise hotel picked out to celebrate my... ahhhhee..fortieth....hhhemmm... birthday, which is the following day.  I am trying to just avoid in my mind the actual birthday stuff; just happy about fun with him and good friends.  He wanted to throw me a blowout bash, but really all I want is quiet time with him; it's what I don't get enough of and crave every day, so he is acquiescing to my request to keep it simple, although I have a feeling he will somehow manage to make it as luxurious as simple can be.  He truly does treat me like a princess and I love him so much.

Just over 48 hours until I'm in his arms again.  It has been too long, too long.  I ache for him.

Now let's see how my stocks are doing....

Forget it, big girl.  He's taking it all the way!!

Oh, P.S.  God, thank you for listening to my prayers.
C scored twice at his basketball game.
I was screaming my head off.  He was so proud.

Off to the slopes/Go Falcons!

Ok!  Headed to pick up C from school and straight to the Falcons' last basketball game of the season.  It really is just amusing watching 6 year olds play basketball.  (Please god, if you're listening, let him make a basket at the last game!)  After that, we head for the mountains!  I love Mommy/Son trips, and it will be our first time skiing together, just the two of us.  Fingers crossed it's not too cold.

Was a little sad today because FH and his daughter will be here, staying at the house, while I'm gone.  I crave him so much and they chose to come here when I am not.  I understand it will be fun for them to be here together and have some one on one time in San Diego, but I couldn't help being a little hurt.  I thought that I wasn't going to see him at all, but the second they land they are going to rush to the basketball game to try and see me for a second and watch C get his trophy.  That will make my day, if they make it.

And, my wonderful Mommy kept me company while I was feeling lonely today; more often than not, I enjoy being alone (assuming FH isn't here), but today I craved her company while I got ready for our trip, and she was happy to oblige.  I am feeling substantially better.

Happy swooshing!!

Well, just a little...

Ok, I moped a little today.  But got a lot accomplished-- almost everything on my to-do list.  Maybe even everything-- maybe even more!  

I kept busy enough to not think about being lonely too much; then spoke to FH on the phone as I'm ready to go out with a girlfriend for the evening and afterwards turn into an emotional wet noodle.  What a double edged sword.  I will not cry.  My makeup is perfect.  I am going out with a good friend for a good time and it will be a happy night.

The rug came clean!  Chem-Dry to the rescue.  Furniture back in place and we can forget it ever happened.

And I made it to the gym.  It felt like I was being tortured each and every second.  The great mystery; why I have all the energy in the world some days and others none at all?  Of course, I'm also contending with the flow right now, which has been raging for the last two days.  Enough!  She is so unpredictable; won't show her face for months and then hits like a Mack truck.  Geez!  No wonder I've been fighting tears for the last 48 hours.

Tomorrow I will sleep in.  I will, I will, I will!  Please, at least until it's light.  Big day-- C's last basketball game of the season right after school and we leave directly from there to Big Bear-- not necessarily looking forward to the 3 hour drive, but skiing with my little boy will be worth it.

Planted the lettuce with my Mommy, who is a godsend and I am ridiculously grateful to have her in my life, and C's.  Guinea pigs will have a plethora of freshly picked dinners before long!  The snap peas are in full harvest mode and we have too many to know what to do with!  Love just picking them off the vine and popping them in my mouth.

Ah, life.  Funks, fun, love, laughter, sex, fights, intimacy, friendship, grumpy people (am I one of those right now?!)... these are the things that make life interesting every single day.  We never know what tomorrow will hold.

Now... time to go.  I'm ready for a drink.

Swinging back to normal.

Funny how an hour and a conversation can alter one's attitude.  FH and I talked and he, as always, proved to be exactly the reminder I needed of what a treasure that we have and that it is so worth waiting for.  Now I will finish my laundry, get in bed, mourn Downton Abbey's season end (and poor, sweet Matthew), check Hulu for a new Parenthood,  and sleep, I hope, all night.

Sometimes I hear sounds in the house, when it's dark and late.  I know that the cats are playing, or the fridge is making ice, or some other innocuous thing, but I have gotten spooked a couple of times; once walked downstairs with the hammer that I keep tucked into my mattress.  I trust Bella (at right), my eight year old boxer, to protect me from anything that would have the poor judgment to intend to do me harm.  For the first time in my life, I lock my doors, I have an alarm system.  But I feel safe and good and home.


On my to-do list for tomorrow:

*re-position furniture in living room (brand new silk rug had to be Chem-Dried after I gave Bella a rawhide, good doggy mommy that I am, without thinking about the slime-- and a little puke, for good measure-- that would be left after 30 minutes of chewing-- on said rug, of course.)

*go to gym-- Younger Next Year!  (google it-- great book!)
*call Snow Summit about changing C's ski lesson to a later time.  (We are going to Snow Summit in Big Bear, just the two of us, our first time skiing CA slopes!  But 9 am?  What was I thinking?  Much too early-- we like a leisurely room service breakfast)
*buy neck warmer and new ski pants for C.  Hand warmers?
*call knob company and order the knobs for the cabinets in the casita (still under construction)
*plant lettuce in garden, an entire bed of it dedicated to be the guinea pigs' food, with Mother to help.
*be sure to let FH know how much I appreciate and love him.  More than once.

** NOT MOPE.